Why Kink is an integral part of Pride
- Rachel Harlich, LCSW
- May 31, 2021
- 7 min read
Updated: 2 days ago
And why keeping it at Pride saves lives.
LGBTQIA+ communities and Kink/BDSM/Leather communities overlap in many crucial ways, and they have for a long time. Lately, there’s been a discourse around children, respectability politics, and whether kink belongs at Pride.
This is an issue that’s actually incredibly simple in the end: it does.
As a queer, nonbinary therapist who works primarily with LGBTQIA+ and alt sex communities, I refuse to participate in the erasure of these essential connections. Particularly, because I know from lived experience and countless clients that being queer and kinky has saved so many of our lives.
The Queer Rights movement was and is a movement for radical sexual liberation, and rebellion against the idea that everything sexual (especially if it’s out of the mainstream) is harmful. This is the exact reason we have a Pride to begin with. Queer leather bars, bathhouses, sex clubs and organizations like the Lesbian Sex Mafia were and are safe havens for queer and trans folks. Gay leathermen and leatherdykes were key actors in the fight against AIDS. There's a reason why your local "Dykes on Bikes" and Eagles bar have had floats at Pride since before you may have been born.
But of course, there's more than just history at play here. Right now, in this very moment, there are queers, dykes, trans folks, gay men, and nonbinary members of our communities that are experiencing more love and support in their leather families than they ever did in their families of origin. Queers who are healing the wounds of their familial trauma, building real safety based on consent with their kink families. In the midst of whole swaths of government and their base promoting hate and our extinction, our space for authentic self-expression is more important than ever. We cannot celebrate out of one side of our mouth and condemn with the other, nor can we choose how others heal, build community and connection, and decide to live their lives. We cannot say at once that we love queer and trans folks and deny their autonomy at the same time.
The idea that Pride is not "kid-friendly" because sexuality is visible in particular ways (whether it's because someone is wearing leather gear or is not wearing much clothing at all) assumes that all displays of sexuality are harmful and damaging. Who does this neutered, homogenized, and sanitized version of our communities serve? Not us.
Where is this moral police when another ad goes up of scantily-clad women for the male gaze? Why are these people not picketing the local Hooters? Because this isn't about all displays of sexuality — this is about policing LGBTQ+ sexuality. At Pride. This discourse sends the message to LGBTQIA+ people of all ages, that even our events are not for us anymore. Make no mistake — this is cisheteropatriarchal*and capitalist co-optation at its finest. Queer and trans people are being expected to turn an event for our liberation into a mass-digestible and consumable product for the straights and their respectable nuclear families. But our lives are not products to be consumed, and we must resist these attempts to commodify us.
Queer folks know that the mainstream Pride parades have already become marketing tools for banks, politicians, and other massive corporations. Most of us have seen cops (the same weaponized arm of the state that raided our bars in the 50s and 60s), dressed up in rainbows, at the parade. It’s no surprise that these co-optations have set the stage for further attempts at sanitization and depoliticization. Many of us have seen this move towards respectability a long time coming through pushes in our movement towards focusing on marriage and military inclusion.
So how do we resist? While we advocate for the most vulnerable among us – sex workers, trans folks, particularly trans youth, trans folks of color, trans women and trans femmes, LGBTQIA+ folks in rural settings; we also can be our most authentic selves, out loud, in public, without shame.
As a therapists who specializes in childhood trauma, it is my assertion and professional opinion that it is healthy for young people to be exposed to a diversity of the ways they could live their lives. Seeing queer and trans adults boldly embrace who we are and be publicly celebrated for being ourselves is a big net positive for the mental health of LGBTQIA+ young people. Pride month models joyful queer and trans adult lives. This saves young lives.
I don’t have to pull the latest Trevor Project stats here for most of us to know queer and trans young people face an elevated risk of suicide compared to their cishet peers (cisgender and heterosexual). Though back when I worked for the org myself, 2014-2017, the stats were that trans and bi young people were 8x more likely to contemplate suicide than their cishet peers. That leads to higher rates of attempts and higher rates of suicide completion. Day in and out for three years, I listened to queer and trans young people describe the discrimination, hatred, and bullying they faced by peers, parents, teachers, clergy, and coaches. I listened to young people fearful of coming out, of speaking their desires, of being their true selves. They didn’t think there was anyone who could relate, they didn’t see any adults living a life they could see for themselves. It does something to the psyche of a young person to think they won’t make it to adulthood, or to not know the point of making it to adulthood because they truly believe that there is no space for them, if they make it that long.
For reference, the latest stats are that “39% of LGBTQ+ young people seriously considered attempting suicide in the past year — including 46% of transgender and nonbinary young people. LGBTQ+ youth of color reported higher rates than white peers.” (Nath, et al., 2024)
You know what saves queer and trans lives more than oversimplified slogans or rainbow beads thrown from a corporate float at Pride? In addition to affirming families, schools, mental health care, and gender-affirming medical care?
Seeing that there are real options and communities for our young people to grow up and be precisely who they are. As freaky and out of the norm as that may be. Dominant social norms narrow the window of who we can be by removing possibilities and making us feel ashamed when we want something else from what we are "supposed to". BDSM and Leather communities do the life-affirming play (see what I did there? not work, but play) of showing us that the possibilities of weird and wonderful are as endless as everybody involved wants them to be. BDSM practices ask us - "is that your weird? could it get weirder? could you be more deliciously yourself?".
In the most recent Trevor Project survey, 64% of LGBTQIA+ youth said that their queer and/or trans role model was someone they follow on social media and the next category (“my friend”) was nearly 30 points behind. Queer young people also need offline role models. They need to see us being embraced in the IRL world too. Having an LGBTQIA+ role model was positively associated with life purpose, which is also associated with reduced suicidal thoughts, attempts, and self-injury.
Moreover, LGBTQIA+ folks are more likely to be involved in BDSM and kink practices. We just are. Those who would like to sanitize Pride are fighting reality in this regard. And, being kinky is a source of wellbeing. “Peak experiences, healing from past trauma, increased intimacy, and exploration of the self” are frequently cited motivations for BDSM play among queer and trans people (Sprott, 2023). Sprott notes that in particular, autonomy, seems to emerge from mental health literature as a common aspect of psychological well-being experienced by LGBTQ+ people engaged in BDSM. Kink play is also used as an effective tool for nervous system self-regulation and a resource for alleviating anxiety and depression. Speciale and Khambatta (2020) also explored the positive themes of “Community Connectedness”, “Healing and Self-Exploration”, and “Accessing Safe Spaces” in their paper. The Trevor Project 2024 survey referenced above placed a major emphasis on affirming spaces (in addition to role models) as a protective factor against suicidality.
So we can deduce that removing kink from Pride, removes the visibility of a key tool for adult LGBTQIA+ wellbeing, healing, and community. For queer and trans kink players and those who authentically research our communities, it is clear that our involvement in consensual kink play serves an adaptive role in a world that attempts to narrow, diminish, and erase us. To young people, I have this to say: if you stick around long enough, you can find your people. People who want to know and help you explore your most authentic self, whoever that is.
Like the queer elder millennial that I am, I’ll quote queercore band Team Dresch as the perfect encapsulation of why kink belongs at Pride to the benefit of young people:
“Queer sex is great, it's fun as shit
Don't kill yourself cause people can't deal with your brilliance
Sometimes I can't remember why I want to live
But I think of all the freaks and I don't want to miss this”
If you want to take your child to Pride, have a conversation with them about what they are likely to see. If you make the decision to take your kids to a celebration of sexual liberation, own that choice. And decide to honor your child’s rights by taking responsibility for the consent process involved. Don’t expect queer and trans folks to diminish ourselves because you don’t want to have a conversation with your kid.
*The word cisheteropatriarchal highlights the heterosexism and cissexism that is fundamental to the functioning of the patriarchy as a system of sexism
Sources:
Kingsbury, K. (2021). A history of leather at Pride.
Nath, R., Matthews, D.D., DeChants, J.P., Hobaica, S., Clark, C.M., Taylor, A.B., Muñoz, G. (2024). 2024 U.S. National Survey on the Mental Health of LGBTQ+ Young People. West Hollywood, California: The Trevor Project. https://www.thetrevorproject.org/survey-2024
Speciale, M., & Khambatta, D. (2020). Kinky & Queer: Exploring the Experiences of LGBTQ + Individuals who Practice BDSM. Journal of LGBTQ Issues in Counseling, 14(4), 341–361. https://doi.org/10.1080/15538605.2020.1827476
Sprott, R. A. (2023). The Intersection of LGBTQ+ and Kink Sexualities: a Review of the Literature with a Focus on Empowering/Positive Aspects of Kink Involvement for LGBTQ+ Individuals. Current Sexual Health Reports, 15(2), 107–112.
The Trevor Project. (2024). Research Brief: Adult LGBTQ+ Role models in the Lives of LGBTQ+ Young People. In The Trevor Project’s 2024 U.S. National Survey on the Mental Health of LGBTQ+ Young People.
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/05/Adult-LGBTQ-Role- Models-in-the-Lives-of-LGBTQ-Young-People.pdf
Team Dresch – Musical fanzine. (n.d.). Genius.
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